Might as well Jump!!!

I just went to the gym, and now I'm staring at my grilled chicken salad. Right now, I feel good in my post workout glow. But in true Grace fashion, I think of the long road ahead and I'm suddently overwhelmed and think "what is the point?"

I was rail thin up until puberty, and then overnight...(seriously, ask my friends and family), I had boobs and curves. Not just little "OMG those are so cute" boobs, no, full-fledged "Girl you should be in pornos" boobs.
They brought unwanted attention to an 11 year old girl. The boys soon followed with their taunts, and the girls joined them with their accusations of me being a slut. Food always provided great joy to me, and when I needed it more than ever at 11, it became my security blanket. Food provided that warm happy glow in the bottom of my soul.

I was curvy but never heavy in my teens and most of my twenties. I was able to fight the battle of the bulge, proably because I was young.  I dated boys that for the most part appreciatd my lovely ta-tas dressed and from afar...but up close, those fools had no idea what to do with them. In my mid twenties, I dated a boy that insisted that more than a handful was sloppy. I felt humiliated, I felt disgusting. So I went for a plastic surgeon consult. But I never went through with it, thank god.

I gained weight for various reasons, food is fun etc....but the one theme was the nice warm happy glow feeling. The feeling that in this moment, as a cheese-laden orgasm washed over me, my problems didn't exist. Boys weren't harassing me to cop a cheap feel, girls weren't accusing me of stuffing my bra. But yes after the glow, came a soul-crushing low. A nasty nagging feeling that I knew I wasn't loving myself and putting myself first. That I was intentionally beating myself up, inflicting these brusies (pounds) upon myself.

My husband loves my curves, and if he could walk around wth his face implanted in my bosom all day long, he would be a happy boy. He wants me if I lose 20, or if I gain 20.

I remember when I was younger, my parents divorced, and my mom put on a lot of weight. She spent a lot of time on the couch watching her programs. As typical with childhood friends, we would have our little fights. But what stuck with me was how they would taunt me that my mom is fat, and she loved her remote control more than me. I was humiliated. I don't want to do that to my kids.

My personality doesn't fit my body. I know I will never be skinny, I just want to be that voluptous bombshell I was back in the day. The one that I didn't get to enjoy and appreciate.

My husband has a point, I live too much in the past. I don't need to hide anymore, it's time to shed the armour made of fat. But it's the strangest feeling...I feel like a little kid standing on top of a diving board, trying to muster up the courage to jump. What if I fail, will everyone laugh?

Here I go...Jumping...off....now....

I believe in Miracles

Two of my closest friends were given the gift of a child to love and cherish last week. After more than 6 years of close calls and disappointment, Amelia Joy was finally placed in their arms. Watching them go through the ordeal of false promises and a previous failed adoption, I wondered what kind of god would allow people to experience such pain. But without the pain, there wouldn't be Joy...Amelia Joy, that is...

I think we are all geniunely touched by the idea of adoption. Giving a human being, that didn't ask to be conceived, a family that is waiting to shower them with love and guidance is the ultimate gift.

I visited my friends Jenn and Steve the other day, and I got to meet Amelia Joy. I have never seen such a content newborn. It was as if she was saying, "I'm where I belong". There was so much joy in their home, as friends and family dropped by and said hello. There was peace amongst the chaos of well wishers crowding their living room. We all were celebrating together. I was more than okay with not holding Amelia as much as I would have liked, because I sat back and watched how much happiness this baby was bringing everyone. I was desperately trying to soak it all up, take it all in..that one of the most important people in my life is now a mommy. A dream she chased for many years.

I believe in Miracles...

Another miracle in my life, or maybe a test... for me and my husband.  We bought our cute little cape cod about 6 or 7 years ago, only a few months before we were to walk down the aisle. It was an adorable home, and we were thrilled to own something together. However, this was during the time that Countrywide Home Loans, now apart of BOA, signed off on shady home loans. Yes, you guessed it...we were one of them.

As we watched our interest rate SOAR each year, the economy began to take a nose dive. My husband works in the printing industry, an industry that is being buried by the digital age we live in today. He was told he could take a pay cut, or, he could leave. It felt horrible to send my husband off to work at a job where they could do that to him....cut him off at the knees and demand the same level of work each day.

Bills began to pile up, I was robbing Peter to pay Paul...and things were spiraling out of control. The stress of keeping our heads above water wore us down, and the strain was felt between the two of us.

I read some articles about Obama passing legislature regarding loan modifications. According to the specifications, we were IDEAL candidates. However, that didn't mean BOA was approving everyone. I read so many horror stories about people being denied. After many sleepless nights, I realized I had to fight for my home, for my babies well-being.

I used my experience at work writing business proposals and created a binder of our finances. It was an extensive proposal, complete with tabs and a letter pleading our case. Two weeks, yes..two weeks, we were approved. This was after I called BOA every SINGLE day asking for status. Our payment was reduced, and I felt the noose around our necks getting looser.

I believe in Miracles...

G